My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
