The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
