She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just puked most of my soul out..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
