I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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