You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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