Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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