My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
