i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
