I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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