hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
