i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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