You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
