I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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