I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
