woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
