The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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