i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
