Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
