If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
