new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
