Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
