I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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