I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
