you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
