I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
