he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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