Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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