i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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