I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
