I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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