When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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