watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
