If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
