Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
