Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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