do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
