he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
