who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
