Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
