what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We have so much sex to catch up on
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
