as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
