They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
