it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
