i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
