Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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