Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
