i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
