Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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