I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm both gender and math confused
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
