After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
