I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
