Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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