I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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