he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
