I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The beer is more important than you right now.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
