hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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